| Fetus Parable |
[Mar. 7th, 2006|05:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Twins-- a brother and a sister-- were talking to each other in their mother's womb:
The sister said to the brother, "I believe there is life after birth."
Her brother protested vehemently, "No, no, this is all there is. This is a dark and cozy place, and we have nothing else to do but cling to the cord that feeds us."
The little girl insisted, "There must be something more than this dark place. There must be something else, a place with light where there is freedom to move."
Still, she could not convince her twin brother.
After some silence, the sister said hesitantly, "I have something else to say, and I'm afraid you won't believe that, either, but I think there is a mother."
Her brother became furious. "A mother!" he shouted. "What are you talking about? I have never seen a mother, and neither have you. Who put that idea in your head? As I told you, this place is all we have. Why do you always want more? This is not such a bad place, after all. We have all we need, so let's be content."
The sister was quite overwhelmed by her brother's response and for a while didn't dare say anything more. But she couldn't let go of her thoughts, and since she had only her twin brother to speak to, she finally said, "Don't you feel these squeezes every once in a while? They're quite unpleasant and sometimes even painful."
"Yes," he answered. "What's special about that?"
"Well," the sister said, "I think that these squeezes are there to get us ready for another place, much more beautiful than this, where we will see our mother face-to-face. Don't you think that's exciting?"
The brother didn't answer. He was fed up with the foolish talk of his sister and felt that the best thing would be simply to ignore her and hope that she would leave him alone.
© Henri Nouwen
--
Hits a little too close to home, me thinks. |
|
|
| 'Bout time. |
[Feb. 2nd, 2006|05:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
Remember when I said I had to get my head together before I came back on here?
Of course you do. It was only two entries ago.
Well, I think that's going to be longer than I figured, since I now have a friend's only journal and predict that I will be using this very rarely from now on.
But you can find it here: ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) finalmistake. Details are there, so there's not much to explain.
So... yeah. ^^; On a side note, I have a new AIM screen name. So if lemonyscents randomly IM's you, don't smack me over the head with an Internet frying pan. I wanted something that was more like my email. Minus the underscore. And with an added 's.' Oh well. |
|
|
| Technically, this is not an entry. |
[Nov. 22nd, 2005|12:38 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  undisclosed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Seether-- The Gift | ] |
I'm still dead by LiveJournal standards. u.u
...But I'm a survey addict, and I wanted to try something new. So I swallowed my pride and took a picture survey. And yes, this includes photos of the person Azka. Spooky, huh?
( You have been warned. )
I was just standing around today and I thought, "Hey, I think I'll exercize my right of LJ posting without actually talking about my life just to screw with everybody!" Seriously. Why should I feel tied down just because I'm on hiatus? Cha. I shouldn't. >.>;
By the way, Tyree joined LiveJournal. She is under the name DarkPizza. *watery eyes* My lack of a link makes this seem insincere, but I swear it's not.
'K. I'll go crawl back under my rock now. |
|
|
| What a cliffhanger. |
[Nov. 4th, 2005|04:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | inconclusive | ] |
I'm taking a break. I've come to realize that this journal doesn't convey my thoughts justly, or even in the very least get through what I try so hard to say. It seems like the more I explain myself the more people misinterpret me. But this is not self-pity. It is nothing any of you did. I've just hit a place in my life where I've got to do some trial and error, and my first decision is to stop striving to vent my feelings in this thing. It does me no good. In fact, all I've done is made a fool of myself.
But nothing I seem to do makes sense. I try to talk about it, but get misread. I hide myself away, but become secluded and bitter. I try so hard to be perfect, but turn into someone who hates human instinct and annoys others by feeling like a burden at all times. Realizing that this desire drives other people insane, I beat myself up and try to be imperfect. The process starts all over again. Therein my equation states Perfection = Imperfection. Since they are opposites, the fabric of reality is called entirely into question and I'm left feeling even more lost and confused than I did BEFORE I started off on this suicidal tirade.
Of course, you now have a headache or are just wondering WHY I make such a big deal out of things. You're considering the prospect of commenting on this entry to say, "Just chill. Life's not that hard."
And there I go, throwing out my cynicism and making things worse.
I'm whining now.
Heh, every time I type a new sentence to repent I'm invertedly drawing reference to my whining while simultaneously whining about it.
Oh, trust me. I could go on for days.
I'm breaking myself up into pieces, and so far I haven't found a way to seize it. Contradictions follow everything, so maybe if I don't try at all somehow everything will fix itself? But by not trying aren't I inwardly TRYING? Trying nothing is trying something, after all. So I guess I'm hopeless.
And it's funny, because I originally made this entry so I could get away from talking about my feelings. Go figure.
I already hate what I've said. But if I went back and rewrote every entry that I loathed, I'd have never gotten anything said, I suppose.
I know you guys care, too. This has nothing to do with me thinking no one cares, ironically enough. I guess it's just the lack of understanding I get from everyone, including myself. I don't know what I want. I don't know how to know what I want. So I'm going to continue living a contradiction until... I dunno. SOMETHING happens. I don't know what it will be, otherwise I'd be trying to get it to happen.
Sometimes I'll say things without conscious effort when I'm alone. I'll be walking home in a flurry of snow and I'll speak to the ground, "I'll bet if I lied down right here no one would be able to find me before morning..." And it scares me. I only realize it after my lips have finished moving, but it frightens me beyond all reason. You see, I know I am not depressed. But I say things when I've let my guard down, and sometimes they're just... morbid. They're so unlike anything I feel, and yet I find my voice speaking as if I'm not in control. It's getting truly ridiculous.
But please, please... If there's one thing you refrain from doing, don't tell me you'll listen. Just... don't. I don't care who you are or how close you are to me, it won't help. I've always told people not to ask why I'm this way, or how I've come to be this way, and they just don't LISTEN. They just don't understand that I don't KNOW why. I'll tell them that every time I talk about it they just cut me off with, "Eeeeurgh! I have a headache!" or "Just CHILL!" and EVERY TIME the other person says, "No. I swear I'll listen. I PROMISE." And you know what? Somehow they convince me that they will. They convince me that they won't get irritated or think of me differently, but they'll be DIFFERENT. They "PROMISE."
...Well, you all know how I feel about promises now, huh? So I need not ellaborate.
People have never changed as long as I've known them. I'm not going to make the assumption that "People don't change," however, because that's just closeminded. So I don't know anymore.
This is why I'm stopping now. I've said too much. I feel like a fool. Why did I have to tangent like this? I've disproven myself YET AGAIN.
So yeah. I'm taking a break. I won't be around here for a while, so don't expect anything.
I hope I'll find what I'm not looking for while I'm gone. -_- |
|
|
| Um. |
[Nov. 3rd, 2005|04:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  guilty | ] |
Well, I THOUGHT today was pretty good... I don't know why I feel all lethargic right now... or whatever. Yesterday was pretty awesome. *shrug* But I guess I should proceed about today.
The accursed administration is screwing with our schedules again. We get them changed at least once a week, but they seem to like shoving new ideas down our throats at every opportunity... So YEAH. ^-^ Fun stuff. Er... I overkilled on English today, because we had to analyze a poem of our choice line-for-line after copying it down on paper. But being the obsessive straight A student that I am, I chose a poem with 26 lines to challenge myself. It was... kind of a stupid mistake on my part. Just like on Tuesday when I stood outside in the rain with my friends during lunch. I don't like cold anymore.
Today during lunch I remained in the cafeteria for once. u.u; The snow intimidated me. It was a pretty good idea too, because I learned a lot about Ben's past... Heh. It's funny when you realize how little you know about people even if you've known them for a year. We haven't had a one-on-one conversation in while, I guess. On the flip side, he got me to talk about myself... -.-; Ugh. I told him about how I was, back then... and I skimmed a bit on my 2 drastic personality changes. I explained about how freakishly happy I was back when I lived in Maine, and I shocked him a little bit. ^^; But I expected it, so whatever.
And then French happened... Bleh. It was awesome when it happened, but somehow looking back on it I feel... not good. I don't know how else to describe it. It started out just like any other day in French class-- Trevor and me screwing around, learning some French, laughs and causing scenes-- but... somewhere along the way, things changed. Alex approached me for the first time since before Homecoming, and suddenly Trevor miraculously disappeared, and I got questioned again. -_-;
Alex: ...So, how have you been?
Me: 9.9; *shrug*
Alex: Mm. I got my license.
Me: I know.
Alex: *monotone* Pretty awesome, huh.
Me: *unfeeling* Sure, cool. I'm getting my permit on the 11th.
Alex: High five. *holds out his hand*
Me: *hesitates*...*sort of gives a high-five*
Tiffany: *walks over* Amanda!
Me: Yes. Me.
Trevor: *walks over too*...*starts babbling about something or another*
Me: ...6.9; *tries to listen to both of them*
Alex: -_-; *walks away*
....*sigh*
Guess what? I feel terrible. Like, exaggeratingly terrible. Because I acted all, "I don't care" when Alex mentioned that he had passed his driver's test. It was rude, in my opinion. But it's SO STUPID. People keep telling me to be mean and make him feel stupid, and I keep TRYING to believe that I should... But I just DON'T. Making people feel bad just... ISN'T MY THING. I'm nice to people. I like to help them. And I don't believe that insulting Alex will make things any better. But just for the record, I TRIED IT TODAY, OKAY EVERYBODY? And I hated it. I even feel like I need to apologize. It was wrong.
Heh. I guess that's the difference between him and me, among everything else. I feel bad when I hurt people, when he obviously doesn't. But... after we got done talking today... I realized one single thing.
We... are so broken. Period. There's no other way to put it. We're broken. And it's funny, because we were once so close we'd choose seeing each other over our best friends. On more than one occasion. It was amazing. But look at us now. Fatigue trims our voices whenever we speak to one another, and we'll take any other route to class just to avoid a chance encounter. It's... really sad.
But there's nothing we can do about it, so... I go on with life. *shrug* But I can't stand that I acted apathetic today. I would take it back if I could. *sigh* Just, once again... Am I good person, or am I just stupid?
It seems like I'm asking myself that question a lot nowadays.
So... I'm proving myself to my parents so I can get a job. I'm going to take my permit test on the 11th, as stated earlier.
I'm having a responsibility kick, and I'm kinda worried, actually... I seem to want to do this all at once, but I get this nasty feeling that I'm going to screw everything up. I truly am following in Alex's footsteps. And that just FREAKS ME OUT. See, Alex did everything in the course of one summer. He decided he wanted to get a job, get his license, nix the idea that he was going into the Navy, and move out. All during the summer. And then he just started changing... I noticed a little, but I didn't realize the extemity of it until it was too late, as you can very well guess. He overloaded.
...And I'm really worried that I'm going to end up doing the same thing. -_-;
But I can't help it. I love responsibility. Call it my teenage roots or the fact that I've always been young, but I love it beyond all reason. It makes me feel so... WORTH SOMETHING. Rarely do I get that feeling.
But... I've got to leave now. Fweh. |
|
|
| The celtic fairies are coming for me... |
[Oct. 31st, 2005|08:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Utada Hikaru-- Simple And Clean | ] |
Well, happy Halloween, everybody. I guess.
*shrug* Not much has happened today. I was really happy that it rained when I was walking home, though. It was so... peaceful. ^_^ Ah.
We have no trick-or-treaters here, so it is very lonely. O.o Some people still dressed up today. It was really weird, because... I dunno. I stopped dressing up when I was 11. --;
But today was extremely awkward, because it's the first day my optimist hasn't been there to be all... happy-social. You see, I rely on Trevor to be happy when I see him. But today he was really bothered by something his friends have been saying, and I was worried about him. *sigh* He was unusually cynical, so I had to lighten up on my sarcasm to make up for it. To top it off, people were making a deal about us talking during class, and drew several references to the word 'flirting.' Let's just say that Trevor was so exasperated that he just shut his eyes and laughed, whereas I put on my best >.0 face and stewed quietly.
He needed a hug. ._.
*sigh* And then there's just... Ben. The guy who likes to glomp me entirely too often and make me lose balance so he can prove how good he is at catching me. He wants me to go trick-or-treating with him tomorrow. I would go, but, as I said, I haven't been in the spirit since I was 11. I dunno if I will or not.
I guess that's all I really have to say... I apologize for my lack of writing appeal. o.o; |
|
|
| It had to be said. |
[Oct. 29th, 2005|10:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  resurrected! ooh. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Lost Prophets-- I DUNNO! | ] |
OMG AZKA MADE TWO ENTRIES IN ONE DAY. O___o The sky must be falling. Or it could be daylight savings time. Whateva.
I apologize for my incredibly OBESE quiz binge I made earlier. ^.^; I felt obliged to make up for the year and a half of not posting any quizzes whatsoever, because I am a lazy computer geek. 8D
However, I am forced to burst your little happy bubble and post yet another quiz. MUAHAHAHA. u.u Onward.
Now, at first glance my immediate reaction was, "Oh, that's cool. Hey, they even mentioned Friday in French. Neato enchireto and other such complimentary references to food." But CUE DOUBLE TAKE. "...O-o WTF they used my name. Those hideous spy cows." Because, you see, I made no mention of the name Azka. Though I'm sure you realized why I am surprised by now. Ha, I shot my own joke. But I digress.
WOW. I AM SO RETARDED. X'D It actually takes entries from your journal! WTF. I need to go to bed. *stabs self*
Actually, this is entertaining to me now.
MUAHAHAHA. WHAT NOW, DENVER? I HAVE YOUR EASY BAKE OVEN. Hehe.
...okay, now I'm just losing it. That was such a pun. Oy VEY I'm using puns. Do you see why I do not update this often now? DO YOU?
.....
I will be surprised if I actually submit this entry, because I KNOW tomorrow when I wake up I'll say, "...I feel as though I did something bad last night. I need to... cleanse and repent." with that caffiene-deprived, drifty morning voice I have.
But THASH OKAY, because I probably won't be able to update tomorrow anyway! =D! Because I will be at Jessica's scary movie thingy o' doom. Halloween parties actually ON Halloween are tres overrated. u.u! And although I could have spent the day studying more of my DMV manual so I can acquire my driver's permit before I am old and crunchy, I will be spending it with PEOPLE watching MOVIES that will most likely be the result of my further insomnia! Yaaay! Wow, that sounded much more cynical than I intended!
Crap. I still have to write a free verse four-stanza poem for English. Bleh. I should miraculously die tomorrow. X3 No, wait... That would be bad. Death is bad. Yes. That.
Before I say anything else that could possibly be considered senile to a later, more CONSCIOUS state of mind, I think I'll spite myself and fermer la bouche.
...I'm sorry you had to see this. o_o |
|
|
| The title I later edited in because blanks bother me! 8D |
[Oct. 28th, 2005|10:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | satisfied | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | My Chemical Romance-- Demolition Lovers | ] |
Whee! I drink cranberry tea! No, really. Don't try it. It's terrible.
...ahem. SO today I wrote a poem with 29 stanzas. Neat, huh? Longest poem I've ever written. O.o; It's weird though, 'cuz I'm writing a lot again. It used to be a really big hobby of mine back in seventh grade, y'see. But I got over my depression, so... I just kinda... stopped. *shrug*
Back to recent-y events. I spoke to Toshia over the phone (I have yet to explain this... As if you haven't already guess, she no longer lives with us.) on Tuesday, and that was rather dramatic. Long story short, she called to see if she could visit this weekend (I think she died... o_. We haven't heard back.), and somehow she ended up admitting shortly after I picked up the phone that Alex cheated on me OMGZ!!1 u.u; She has connections with Ston, who is her ex, and someone whom Alex works with, so... Apparently she SWORE TO SECRECY and couldn't tell me until now, and something about her lying to me the last time we spoke of it. Needless to say, I truly snapped that night. I just got sick of people's neverending lies, so I experienced a major emotional low.
But now I'm taking pills to help me sleep at night, and it's all good. ^_^ I really could care less about the matter now. And THIS TIME I'm really sure. O_o I'm so tired of this drama. It was never worth it in the first place.
As for today, it was fun. ^.^ I got a most unusual compliment in World Cultures, though.
Me: La de da... *doin' Algebra 2 while everyone watches the movie*
Trisha: *couple of seats away* Oh, I know one person who's not a bitch in here!
Felicia: -.- Who?
Me: ...*suddenly feels stared at* o.o; *looks at them* What?
Trisha: Amanda! =D
Felicia: Oh, yeah! =D!
Me: Oh, um. Thank you? o.o... ^^;;
XD It was great. Not much else happened until lunch, when Lisa attacked me and asked me to go to Taco Bell with her and Jessica. Let it be known that I paused and said, "But I can't leave my human!" which was inferring Ben. I haven't gone many lunch periods without him since last year. Nonetheless, I rarely dismiss an opportunity to get a ride off campus, so I left with them. We skipped CIM class (study hall today) and took the hour long lunch. X3;;... I'm such a bad kid.
Well, when we arrived five minutes before sixth period, I headed for the cafeteria where the study hall was being held, and met up with Ben, James, and Allen. It went something like this:
Ben: -.o Where have you been? *scary, upset Ben voice-- not heard often*
Me: *blushes* Doing... drugs? Ehe. *nervous smile*
James: Yeah! Where'd you go?
Ben: I was looking for you for 20 MINUTES. >.0 You could have told me you were leaving, or at least taken me WITH you.
Me: I.. I couldn't. I would have, but I don't think Lisa--
Ben: Uh-huh. -.- It was so boring here. *glares*
Me: *gets redder* I didn't know you wanted me here so badly.
*bell rings*
Ben: Uh-huh. *begins to walk away*
Me: o.o! *jumps up and clings* I'm sooorry! ^^; I love you, Ben!
Ben: *sighs and walks off*
I felt so bad. ._.; I haven't seen Ben like that in a long time. During French I told Trevor about it and he was all, "Oh, yeah... *imitating* You have fun, and I'll make you feel BAD about it!" *shrug* It was a bit hipocritical of Ben, but it made me feel sort of loved. ^.^; As for French, not much happened today. Yesterday was the awesome French day, for Trevor tatooed my ankles in matching trees with his pen. We were supposed to be playing Loto. Ehe. ^^; Apparently I have "very nice skin for drawing." He also took pictures of it with his cell phone. It rocked. XD; I got a total of one loto for the day, which, I assure you, is pathetic. X3~~
Soo... that's about it. I kind of wish Toshia had come for the weekend, so I could show off Psychonauts again. I haven't played it since the beginning of September. *sigh* But I digress.
WHOO! I finished my cranberry tea of hate! =DD
Oh, and I might end up working at Taco Bell with Lisa. She forced me to pick up an application today. XO; When I said, "But I'm gonna work at Dairy Queen! =O!" she retorted, "With your EX? >O==-" which defeated me and I reluctantly grabbed one. And yes, we really did make all of those faces in our quotations. XD Shush.
Wheeeeee I'm done now. X3; |
|
|
| Heh... I broke again. |
[Oct. 23rd, 2005|05:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Kutless-- Finding Who We Are | ] |
How could I have been so unprepared? Why did I not expect this to happen? How many times now have I let myself get torn apart by this same skipping record? Have the whippings become so myriad that I'm beginning to enjoy it? Am I endlessly setting myself UP for torment, and actually starting to like it? Can I possibly be in love with this pain?
...I... I don't think I am. But something tells me I'm going around in circles.
Homecoming was supposed to be... fun. I was supposed to let loose and dance with Ben and introduce Tyree to some awesome people. I dressed all in black, wore my hair in transparent ribbon, let the fishnet, combat boots, and black fingernail polish envelop my appendages, and even let makeup eat away at my face for four hours straight. I held a green, purple, and white corsage around my wrist and wore a trenchcoat to fend against the cold of an October night. I was ready for anything and nothing at all, but I walked into the crowds of teenage clowns-- blues and hairspray and sparkles-- with an open mind and an open heart.
And within the first ten minutes Alex must have sensed it, because his silhouetted romance was a plain kiss with a girl no one knew, in an embrace no one could have fathomed unless they encountered it themselves.
Truthfully, I didn't even think he'd attend Homecoming. He's never been the dancing type, or one to show care about dressing up unless it was the Navy Ball. Of course, this was before me, I suppose.
A few minutes prior Ben had walked off, and I was standing by a table, suddenly cold and breathless. I clutched both of my sides and actually began muttering, "Ouch. Ouch. Ouch..." while moving to sit down. Tyree and Trevor instantly arrived at my side, concerned with my health. I shook my head at them and stared at the ground for a while, cursing my pathetically weak heart while simultaneously being watched by the couple.
I sat like that for another ten minutes, being checked on by several people at a time, when finally I forsook my hurt and stood up, taking Ben by the arm and walking out towards the crowds. I resented Alex with passion that could have cracked my skull, and my emotions felt worn with tire, but somehow I managed to do a little angry Gaz dance and talk to Ben for a little while. I ended up postponing my misery, so to speak. But I swear, I have never been able to shake emotions like that before, and act like I was still okay. I knew I had to, though, for my friends, and for Ben. I was the one who dragged him there in the first place, after all.
But I found myself TRYING to feel the pain. I would countlessly look around for my ex and his mysterious belle, striving to see their wafting happiness. I needed to compare. I needed to see them miserable; ignoring one another. But not once did this occur, and not once did I stop myself from looking. It was a suicidal addiction, and I just couldn't shake it, no matter how much my heart suffered in spite of myself. Ben was worried, and he would cover my eyes whenever they began to dart again, or would take my hand and lead me away when they neared just a bit too conspicuously. I hated that. It helped quench certain pain, of course, by my curiousity still burned, and I hated it most inwardly.
Eventually, Ben worked the nerve up to ask me to dance during a slow song. We did, but it was so... disfunctional to me. Ben is a lot taller than my former dance partner, and I have no romantic feelings toward him. It felt wrong. But by our next dance I accepted it, and knew this was how it was supposed to be. Of course, the crazy lunch lady Teena invertedly molested me while Ben and I were dancing, which disturbed me, but it was worth a nervous laugh. I would go into detail, but I'd rather not, really...
And despite everything, Ben kept asking me what I thought was fun. He really wanted to cheer me up, although I wasn't sad. I was merely... not happy. At some point my intense cynical side finally admitted, "Well, I'll tell you what I DON'T like. Crowds of people, loud noises, and social gatherings." I laughed while saying it to make it seem less brutally honest, but in all actuality, Ben and I both knew it was. I felt so stupid, asking Ben to come with me although he didn't particularly want to, and ending up bored throughout the whole thing. He thought I was depressed, too, so that didn't make things any better.
I REALLY have NO IDEA why I go to dances, now that I think of it.
Anyway, at the very end of Homecoming, Trevor and Tyree met back up with us and we stood around a table as everyone left. As Alex walked by, he glanced at me, and I glanced back, delivering an automatic acknowledgement that I instantly regreted. We both looked away after gaining obvious eye-contact, but out of habit I looked back after a second to watch him leave, and he did it AGAIN. This time I didn't even bother glancing once more, but he did, out of the corner of my eye. I can't believe he had the nerve to look at me. I can't believe he ever had any nerve to be within ten feet of me.
I told myself to be happy as we left the school, so I faked it, which I do a lot now. I've discovered that imaginary happiness can fool you into believing you are happy if you do it right. It's pretty nifty. Anyway... Ben and I locked arms as we neared Trevor's car, and we drove home, an artificial hyperness taking over me, which Tyree joined in automatically. We arrived at my house, and all of us stood just outside the vehicle, stargazing and talking.
This was when the weirdness began. Trevor put his arms around Tyree's waist from behind, and Ben did the same just to prove a point. I was shivering but suddenly happy-- a real happiness, mind you-- since there was only four of us, and crowds make me twitchy, as I've said. I had escaped Alex and with him my accursed masochism, and I realized how much more fun I would have had had I just spent the night stargazing with my friends. The stars were beautiful, and Ben started swaying to the music in his head, so I went with him, and we just... talked. He offered me his leather coat, but I declined, smiling through a wavering voice, and he locked his fingers with mine as we danced to our own tune, and stared at the stars we alone wanted to see.
I later found that Tyree and Trevor were analyzing us throughout this entire ordeal. >.0
It was another 45 minutes before they actually departed. Trevor was going through withdrawal issues, I could tell, because everytime he went to open his car door he would rush back to Tyree to kiss her again. I thought it was kind of hilarious, personally, but every time Trevor made a hesitant move to stay longer, Ben would be back at my side, hugging me and pulling my face toward the inside of his warm jacket. Neither of them wanted to go, and I can truthfully admit that I wasn't jumping for joy when they pulled out of my driveway. Maybe I hadn't made Ben miserable, after all. I can hope.
Immediately after they both shut their doors and Tyree and I started back to my porch, she asked rather bluntly, "You still think Ben doesn't like you?" and I made a tiny, disregarding smile and replied, "Nope. He doesn't act like it. We're friends." She just snorted.
It's been suggested over the months, Ben's feelings toward me. I don't assume anything, but everyone around me does. Toshia did, Tyree made her observations, Trevor discussed it with her, Alex completely LOATHED it, and my parents have made comments. People constantly draw reference to us. After my mom agreed once more last night, I went on a tangent again: "He talks about who he likes! We're very... uncompatible! He's freakin' SCARED of me! We're friends, and that's all we'll be! And even if he did, why hasn't he been any different lately?" To which my mom replied quite simply, "He doesn't want to be a rebound. He knows you still have feelings for Alex." That was when I glared at the ground and mumbled through gritted teeth, "They're not really feelings, per se. It's more... passion."
They don't believe me, of course, and after all the 'change in feelings' I've had, I'm not sure I fully believe myself either. I'm going to rant about something else for a moment and then I'll be done.
You see, after that angry entry I directed at Alex that I made a few weeks ago, I was mad and ignored him for about a week. After that week passed I started treated him just like any other person again. He talks to me, I acknowledge him for a little while. I can't hate, you understand. Hating wears on me pretty fast, and I just can't... STAY angry at someone. I know he deserves it, by all means, but I can't bring myself to act like I hate him. So I've been polite to him since. As my mom put it, "I can't believe you let him off the hook." And I guess I did, quite easily. I don't believe in revenge, and I couldn't bring myself to be bitter towards the guy who'd been my first love, and meant more to me than I could have ever expressed. I didn't WANT to hate him.
Well, I realize now that he takes advantage of that. No one's done that before, and I'm shocked, truthfully. He's screwing with me beyond all comprehension, and I'm not doing a damn thing about it. Things are going to change tomorrow, I can see that much. I can admit that I came to terms with the fact that Alex doesn't care about me anymore, but that doesn't change the fact that I want to help people. Something's been up with him lately, and I was planning on talking to him about it until last night. And it's not just him; you all know I like to help ANYONE. I was going to completely let him off the hook. I was going to walk away and let him play my emotions like some morbid violin, and TAKE IT. I wasn't planning on showing him my pain. I was going to live my life without ever telling him how much he broke me, but I can see now that he's just begging to know.
Last time I showed my emotions to him he just lied again, and I ended up feeling like a little girl. I wanted to avoid that again, but... Do I really have a choice? If I pretend he never hurt me he'll never have the satisfaction of knowing how much I cared about him, but if I never cry and scream and kick at him how angry I am and how he doesn't deserve happiness, how will he ever be affected by his actions? Once again, I am at a crossroad. I just want this to end. I'm sick of this little merry-go-round Alex put me on, but I'm well aware that the only way I can get off is if I jump and risk causing injury to myself.
Please, God... help me. Somebody, ANYBODY, if you have any kind of advice for me, I'd be glad to hear it. I don't want to whine anymore, but the more I conceal it the more it seems to overflow. It's unhealthy, and I'm perfectly willing to admit that I need help. I don't know what to do.
I just... don't know. |
|
|
| x.o... Ehh... |
[Oct. 20th, 2005|08:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | ditzy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | New Found Glory-- Catalyst | ] |
My mind is... gone. Since I got home from school I've just been moronic. After the shut-up-and-go-home bell rang after French, Lisa randomly yelled my name while I was walking down the hallway to the buses and said, "Hey, wanna' lie in a ditch today?" (Insided joke... Lisa drove me home once last year, and I lied in a ditch by my road until the bus came so I wouldn't get home early... O.o;; Great story, I assure you.) And I was all, "Okie! Why not?" and we followed Trevor and Alex out to the parking lot. Well, I kinda skipped, but that's irrelavant. And Trevor kept unzipping my bag and driving me insane, and then we parted.
Well, we listened to Korn for a while, and then Lisa invited me to a concert that's going on next Tuesday. I hope I can go, because it will be awesome. Then we arrived at my house, I thanked her, and I walked to my door. I found it locked, took a moment to be confused, and then reached into my bag to unlock it. I then ate a banana and blared Hoobastank on my surround sound until my mom drove crazilly into our driveway and ran inside. It was then that I realized that I was supposed to be picked up by her today so I could get my hair colored again. Heh.
After an hour of reading magazines and smelling black and purple dye, we got home and found three messages on our answering machine: one from a mysterious caller who hung up without saying anything (...Whoever you are, wherever you are, I WILL cause you pain for constantly wasting answering machine storage.), one from my dad, and one from Trevor. You see, Homecoming is this Saturday, and Tyree is attending ours. And Trevor just so happened to want to take us to a movie before the dance, so we needed to make plans. However, parent-teacher conferences were also tonight, so it was only ten minutes and a call from Tyree before we were back in town, and back at school.
Long story short, it turned out that parent-teacher conferences WEREN'T tonight, and I am a fool. Go figure.
Rode home, called Trevor, he was busy, so I called Tyree back. Well, by now I had already discussed possible plans with my lovely mother and father, and they had become irritated and explodey. I cannot make plans of any kind. I just can't. Not with my mom and dad ready to snap if I approach them wrong. And believe me, approaching them in itself IS wrong. But I'm ranting, so... I go on.
Anyway, got some stuff settled with Tyree after some conflict, Trevor called her through call waiting, and told me to get the feck off the phone so Trevor could talk to me. I obeyed. He then called ME, WE got everything ready, and I confronted him with a certain worry I had:
Me: Despite everything... I'm kind of worried that I'll get a depressive mood swing around you guys like I did last Saturday. You know? -.-;
Trevor: Don't worry about it. I'll have some Zoloft and chocolate at hand if you need it. I'll slip it into your drink, okay?
Me: XD Thanks. ^^;
Trevor knows how to cheer me up. It is good. ^-^ So anyway, after all of this was settled, I ate dinner with my parents while battling a massive headache. It's a lot harder for me to make plans than it needs to be, I swear. --; Around 7:30 I retreated to my room to work on some Algebra 2, and to study for the test tomorrow. It was about 20 minutes of complex fractions and scalar matrix multiplication until I realized that the homework wasn't due until Monday.
...This is when I decided to give up on everything and just go online.
And thank God I did, because otherwise I might be wandering around outside in the dark, looking for a yeti.
I guess this entry was to reflect on the most retarded day I've established all year. There must be something to celebrate in all this. Oy vey. *rubs head*
I leave you with an event in today's English class:
Mrs. Staudinger: Now, all of you create your own onomatopoeias. u.u Anyone want to share?
Random kid: *raises hand* Eep. It's the sound a mouse makes when it scurries across a floor.
Mrs. Staudinger: Okay, anyone else?
Random kid 2: Spatter. You know, like rain.
Mrs. Staudinger: Good. Anyone else want to go?
Me: ...o.o... *hesitant* x.x; *raises hand*
Mrs. Staudinger: Yes, Amanda?
Me: Splurch.
Mrs. Staudinger: And what does it mean?
Me: Um... it's the sound of a zombie sinking its teeth into someone's brain. ^.^;
Everyone: *silence, ALL turn to stare*... O.O;
Jordan: ...How do you sleep at night?
Dear God, I cause such a scene in both English and French. XD;; I love scarring the poor, naive souls of my town. 'K, I'm done now. |
|
|
| We will make a movie! And it will be about... Steve! |
[Oct. 5th, 2005|06:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Korn-- Trash | ] |
'Cuz we all know Steve's rawks the hardest. u.u Heh, I said 'rawks.'
So, like, Scott and I have this assignment in English, right? And we have to summarize the events in "Where Have You Gone, Charming Billy?" which is a war story we recently read during class. But we can't just 'talk about it,' per se... We have to create a news broadcast and present it in front of the class, jus' like the PROFESSIONALS. u.u Ooh, fun. But we're not going to do that. Ha. Scott and I are... MAKING A MOVIE. OMG. =O And we're going to play it on vendredi. Ahem... I mean 'friday.' u.u;
And since I've nothing better to do... I'm going to post the script here. ^^; Because we both worked hard on it. And I'm sure you can distinctly find traces of both mine and Scott's very diverse humor. *cough* (Scott= puns. Amanda= sarcasm/references to violence.) Without further ado...
( Whoo! Newscast of doom! )
Tomorrow we shoot the zut thing. XP; Ben will be our camera-man. And it will be merry. u.u Oh yes.
My mood is elevating again... And I'm going back to my old self. So things are good. I'm very amazed that I can act normally, actually, and that it only took me two weeks to get over Alex... o.o;; Normally girls in my position would, like, mope around for months. But I guess I'm not like other girls... or so James says. *shrug* SO... whee. ^.^ I hope Joe-Ann realizes how much of a jerk Alex is before she gets in too deep. Ah well. None o' my business anymore. u.u I'm single and I'm goin' to homecoming with mah good friend Ben. I'll just have to get used to.. not having a boyfriend. 9.9; Huh. Weird.
I now end with the lyrics of the best song ever:
I count the days that we have spent apart
I've got a bad liver and a broken heart
There's no salvation in the comfort of you
And I finally realize your tearing me apart
So help me, save me,
Tell me that the end is near
Help me, save me
Tell me that the end is here
I am done with you
You've made my life completely miserable
You drove me to the edge, you've caused me all this pain
But I always loved you 'cuz you're "oh so special"
I'm broken and I'm alone and I cannot maintain
So help me, save me,
Tell me that the end is near
Help me, save me
Tell me that the end is here
I am done with you
Done with you
I count the days that we have spent apart
I've got a bad liver and a broken heart
Help me, save me,
Tell me that the end is near
Help me, save me
Tell me that the end is here
I am done with you
Because you and me are through
You couldn't help me, you couldn't save me
Now I know the end is here
I am done with you... |
|
|
| 'K. |
[Oct. 4th, 2005|04:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  predatory | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Sum 41-- Summer | ] |
Yesterday was interesting. Obviously my last entry wasn't directed towards any of you, so dun worry about it. I've got some things I've gotta vent on my own, and some of them ARE going to be said soon. -_- So anyway...
I'm starting to scare my friends. o.o;
Well, I've been kind of angry all day. And lemme tell you, I am not a very angry person. I can skip around all happy-like, and I can be angsty, but rarely do I get stuck in an angry mood. This is how you'll find me acting like on a daily basis:
MOOD UN--
Caitlin: ...WTF. What's wrong?!
Me: *looks up* Huh? o.o; Nothing!
Caitlin: Are you sure? You look so sad.
Me: *sigh* No.. I'm sure. I was just thinking.
MOOD DEUX--
Me: ........... -_-
Everybody: Stop being depressed.
Me: >_0 Yeah, I think I'll just do that. *sits in a corner and reads Abarat*
MOOD TROIS--
Me: WHEEEEE!!! ^__^ *skips ahead*
Ben: O__o;... u.u' STOPPIT! I will not skip!
Me: Your legs are just too freakishly long. ^.^ *continues to skip*
Ben: *literally jumps on her* No!
Me: ;__;... *struggles* Why won't you set me freeee? *skips more within his grasp*
Ben: *sigh* ...Fine.
Me: *stops walking* o.o
Ben: o_.?
Me: ... I THINK I'M GONNA YELL NOW!! DID YOU KNOW THAT I CAN YELL DURING CLASS AND NO ONE LISTENS TO ME?! I TRIED IT!! AMBER LAUGHED AT ME!! I CAN WAVE MY ARMS AND SCREAM REAL LOUD!! LOOKIT ME GO!! *quickly loses voice because she does not talk much* x.x;;.. HEY LITTLE BOY!! *yells at passing car* EAT MY SILVERWARE!!
Ben: u.u;; *grabs her again* You're being really weird.
Me: Hee. ^.^ I like blood.
Aaaand there you have it. What was the point of that? There was none. But that lunch period really was fun. XD; *cough* Er. Anyway.
SO.. I saw Alex's girlfriend today. Unintentionally. Ugh. The timing was so inconvenient... I was going off campus with Lisa in her truck, and he was walking by with Trevor at that exact moment. And there was a girl with them. It got me back into my angry tangent in a heartbeat, because there were so many times he just LEFT ME during lunch with Trevor, never once inviting me to come along... But I wasn't jealous. Awkwardly. No one may believe me, but it wasn't jealousy I felt. It was just... shock, really. Alex never seizes to surprise me. -_-;
Heh, speaking of which, he didn't speak to me at all today. It was great. He completely avoided me during French, and when Trevor was talking to me during break, he just stood off to the side, waiting for us to finish. I thought it was hilarious. He doesn't even have the nerve to talk to me anymore, now that I know how much of a liar he is. I don't blame him, however; the next time he asks me 'how I'm doing' I'm going to calmly explain to him that I hate him and don't want anything to do with him anymore. ^.^ Ah, me.
And now I'm gonna talk about French. Because it is both my favorite and least favorite period.
By this time of the day, my ongoing frustration just kind of mellowed into quietness. (Which is unlike me during French; it's truly my socializing period.) I could tell Trevor was worried, too, because I wasn't so willing to joke around and talk to him. The class began like this...
Mrs. Seaman: *randomly selects from list of students* ...Amie!
Me: *rolls eyes* 9.9;; Yeah?
Mrs. Seaman: Comment vas-tu?
Me: *considers what to say for a moment* -_-; Ca va comme ci, comme ca.
Mrs. Seaman: Comme ci, comme ca? Ah. Good. *picks another 'random' student* Alex!
Alex: What's up?
Mrs. Seaman: Ca va?
Alex: *pauses* Ca va tres bien.
Me: ...>.< *quietly* As if.
I'm used to being irritated now. 6.9; But later...
Ashley: *giggling insanely while Mrs. Seaman lectures*
Mrs. Seaman: >_< *tries to ignore it and go on*
Me: ...Patience... wearing... >.<;
Mrs. Seaman: Il neige en hiver, il fait chaud en ete...
Ashley: *LOUD laugh*
Me: *eye twitch* *turns to her* STOP BEING SO HAPPY!!
Everyone: O.O *stares in silence*
Trevor: X'DD!! That was effing AWESOME!
Me: *looks down at desktop sadly* Sorry. I get like this sometimes.
Trevor: ...X'D; *stifles laughter* Amanda, you rock.
I swear, I stop that entire class sometimes. XD; And then later when Alex volunteered to pass back graded papers-- finding two of my own-- he was acting like such an uncomfortable little kid. XD He'd see my name, walk over to me really timidly, and say something like "Here you go." in a tone that plainly said, 'take my gift and please don't hurt me 'k thanks.' It was truly amusing. I think I like his intimidation.
I'm done. I talk too much. And I feel like being mean and not using an lj-cut. ^^; Ah, I missed you, LiveJournal. |
|
|
| Well, you got what you wanted. |
[Oct. 3rd, 2005|04:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
It's a frigging death wish that I can change opinions so drastically.
But guess what? You finally got what you oh-so desired. =D
I hate you, and everything you ever meant to me.
I hate you because you're a liar. I hate you because you're heartless. And I hate you because you let me believe every single word you whispered into my hair during every single hour I wasted kissing you.
You didn't want us to be friends. You didn't want to give us a second chance. You didn't want me to care.
And you'll be happy to know that I don't anymore.
Yeah, there was a time when I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. True, after the eighth month I did actually start considering our future together. Once I even loved you. And I did everything I could to avoid awkwardness between us, and I still wanted to help you. But I know when I've given too much.
I HATE EVERYTHING YOU ARE, AND EVERYTHING YOU EVER WERE.
I ASKED you if it was because of another girl. And when you reassured me that it wasn't, I asked AGAIN. But you kept denying it.
Not only did you lie to me once, you lied to me TWICE.
You didn't even have the decency to tell me the truth as to why I wasn't good enough. You even got me believe that something was wrong with ME. But you know what?
YOU WERE WRONG. YOU'RE the one that's not good enough. YOU'RE the liar and the flirter and the one who made everything go to shit. It was YOU. NOT ME.
Worst part is, you always knew I was a little girl. No matter how much I said otherwise and tried to convince myself that I wasn't naive or inexperienced or immature, you KNEW how vulnerable I was. I have always been a little girl.
I guess I still am.
I can't believe I ever cared so much about you! Last Tuesday when you gave me back my DVD's and I gave you back your class ring, I felt like there was finally closure! When I opened up my heart to you one last time and said, "Um... if you ever change your mind..." and you responded, "I'm listening." I thought that maybe we still had a chance. And if we didn't, I told myself that you deserved who you wanted, because you gave me everything that you were. I BELIEVED THAT YOU DESERVED HAPPINESS, EVEN WITHOUT ME.
And look at me now. I actually regret every time I went out of my way to make you happy. You never deserved it. You've got such a great girlfriend now, I'm sure. She'll be so much better than me. I hate you, and I hate her. I don't think I could bear knowing who she is; I might just feel sorry for her.
I am so flawed.
But at least I know that I'm not living a lie anymore. Fairy tales in high school really are bullshit.
Heh, just two hours ago I was laughing when you were tickling me.
I swear, if you ever touch me again I'll let you know how much I truly resent you and all you did to me.
I can't believe I went so long loving such an asshole.
Oh, and Alex, just so you know...
I take it back. Don't fucking call me six years from now because you regret losing me. And trust me, you will regret it.
You don't even deserve me, and just look at how screwed up I turned out.
Thank God I'm finally done with you.
-- Amanda. |
|
|
| "It's not how I feel, it's how I SHOULD feel." |
[Oct. 1st, 2005|03:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | frickin' psychotic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | System of a Down-- Sad Statue | ] |
The rain is so beautiful today...
Well, I have come to one conclusion. I am going to end up in therapy. Even if it's twenty years down the road, someday I will inevitably end up in a psychologist's office. How ironic that this is what I wanted to make of my life-- to be sitting in that very room, where the SMELL of human intellegence wafts from each self-help book-- but never did I expect I'd be the one staring at the off-white ceiling while tentatively revealing my perfect childhood, practically dying to know where things went horribly wrong.
How can someone who has both parents-- someone who has great friends-- someone who gets straight A's-- someone whose Thanksgiving list of thanks cannot reach a length large enough-- someone like ME have evolved into such a mess?
I've always called myself a walking contradiction, but this is just... INHUMAN.
I mean, open-mindedness has always been a desirable trait and all, but it only benefits a person for so long... It's as if I have something no one has heard of before; a kind of disease that makes it so one who considers every opinion ends up with none at all. One who thinks themself into a hole with every tiny decision. In my mind there is an eternal war: one that I believe will not and cannot be won by either components. It is a struggle between extremes, and both of them are mine. I have created monsters beyond comprehension for myself to deal with, and even when everything seems okay, it is a mere resting period where both sides are regaining themselves for when the battle must resume.
It is a war between Logic and Emotion.
Logic calmly explains to me that, in the long run, feelings just get in the way. Emotions can stimulate a temporary high, yes, but that's exactly what it is: temporary. Love, to Logic, equals vulnerability. Oh, and Logic absolutely LOATHES promises. It understands that reality does not exist; it is but a perception to everyone that tries to analyze it. The fact that you and I both see that I am wearing a purple shirt does not neccesarily deem it real, because, you see, it is not the same color to every person. You and I do not see the same purple; in fact, color itself does not exist, because it is only light reflecting off of pigments. It is impossible for two people to see the exact same purple on this shirt. So, what then is reality, if it is not stable? Reality is nothing.
But that does not erase the fact that human kind depends on it.
So where does that leave promises? They reside in a lie. Scary, huh? Every promise you've heard is a lie, so long as it was spoken through human lips. But they are not just lies alone; no, they are much more potent than that. Promises are lies that you inevitably believe. And do you know WHY humans are so succeptable to believing these obvious lies?
Because they offer one a reason to believe they know the future.
They give people a reason to think, "Hey, I KNOW this is gonna happen." when they don't. Humans do not, and WILL NOT, ever be able to predict the future. Because of this, people crave to know it. They will use any excuse to feel like they ARE CERTAIN of what is to happen over time. Psychics, palm readings, horoscopes, you name it. Humans fool themselves into believing there is a way to know the future. Promises are no different than any of these things, aside from the fact that they are utilized far more often and are much less understood.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "What about those promises that DO work out? HUH?" I am not about to say that every promise doesn't work out, because that could be contradicted easily. I am merely saying that people don't have the kind of power to PREDICT that what they say will come true. When you tell someone, "I promise." what you REALLY mean is, "I actually don't know for sure, but I'm going to pretend I do anyway." Promises aren't just lies, they are misinterpretations. And even if they DO work out, it is coincidence. That's all. It is not fate, it is not certain; it's coincidence, no matter how much you may like to think otherwise.
...And that was just a TASTE of Logic.
Emotion has the tendency to scream out randomly, and without warning. It isn't as dominant as Logic, but it comes close at times. In fact, it wasn't until after I fell in love that Emotion really became a problem for me. It beckons the prospect of 'forever' and 'what if' more than anything else. Intuition and conscience are key points to life, and helping others for no gain is the right thing to do, regardless of exception. Etcetera. Love, to Emotion, is the ultimate goal, and one should do nearly anything to attain and hold it. Love is worth ANYTHING. God made us from love, and so we should make it our mission in life to love as much as possible.
Now, this is where Logic gets really peeved, so I'll try to block it out as much as possible while providing Emotion's example.
Love has no disadvantage. Pain that results from heartbreak only makes it so that one's appreciation for love may be stronger. Gah, Logic slipped in there. Hold on... Okay. I'll start over. Dangit. Pain should be AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS. Pain is the opposite of love, no matter HOW it affects our appreciation for it. Love may be worth heartache, but that doesn't mean that pain is a good thing. We only deal with feelings of hurt in hopes that we will someday feel good again. It is human nature.
The one exception is, of course, infatuation. Love IS worth anything. The feeling we get from love is extraordinary, and nothing less than what God provided for His creations. Pain does not conflict with love. Just because you are betrayed by your significant other does not mean that you immediately seize loving them. How, then, does pain relate to love? It is a lesser thing, if it does not dominate. The one who can overcome pain for love is ingenious, and others should strive to be as so.
In short, pain is bad and love is good. Emotion sticks around for the good but isn't willing to cope with the hardships along the way. THAT is why I am closer to Logic; ignoring emotions for what is right seems more suitable to me.
That wasn't a very good example, because, like I said, Emotion doesn't just start ranting at will. It seems to come out more sporadically, so... meh. I doubt any of you really wanted to know what freaking nuclear wars are going on in my head, but I for one feel loads better for typing this all out.
Note: It really is easier to refer to my infinite confusion as a physical war between Logic and Emotion, so you should probably get used to it...
And anyone who would be willing to divulge the secrets of LJ cuts to me would be greatly appreciated. *nudgenudgewink* |
|
|
| 15 years too many. |
[Sep. 26th, 2005|05:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | numb | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Vanessa Carlton-- White Houses | ] |
My birthday was yesterday, and yet I find myself still worried about myself.
I sense that this could easily become an angst-fest, and I'm not feeling entirely abliged to pull that right now, so I'll try to make this as straight-forward as possible.
Alex, the boy I've known for a year and loved for over 10 months, broke up with me on the 17th. I've been coping. Our story is a long one, and I'm not sure that I could explain it to those of you who know me only through the Internet. It's just... strange things have been happening to me lately. This is my first true heartbreak, and I've always been against the word 'forever' anyway. But this isn't what I want to dwell on today.
You see, I've learned a lot of the things in the past couple of years. I'd like to think of this as another learning experience, but my opinion changes every few minutes. Logic tells me I should let go and let Alex be happy, rather than make us both miserable by clinging. However, my heart keeps telling me that I need to let him see what SHOULD have been. Because... The reason for him breaking up with me... is because he thought I didn't care. He thought I didn't care about him; about us.
And that tears me up inside.
The more I type the more I believe that this is too personal to go on with here... Because none of you understand how I act in real life. I keep a veil around my heart, even around the ones I'm close to, because I've always feared vulnerability above everything else. And so many people read it wrong. So many people think I don't care about them because I don't call, because I don't touch them when they're crying, because I don't say "I love you" a little bit more.
So many of you... so many...
But I'll conclude with this one statement, because I need to say it, even if not to Alex himself.
I would have torn that veil in half for him. If I had known, I would have immediately lit the veil on FIRE and cackled as I watched its secretive layers become inflamed and its charred remains lift off into the air. You, Alex, are the only one I would have ever done such a thing for.
And it's funny, because after all this, that veil is just clinging tighter around my heart.
Thus completes my neediness for what I had, and you won't hear me say anything about these emotions again in this journal. From this point forward is the healing process, and I really am working on it. And I'm glad I can finally smile at those memories, rather than crying for nothing.
I can feel myself changing, though. I still find myself extremely confused, because I want to block myself away from people even more now, but I know it would be stupid to throw away all that I've learned from the relationship I had with Alex. Pain is experience, but I don't want to go looking for it again. I never thought I could love someone like I did; that someone could love ME. And it's precious, love. It is unregrettable, no matter how painful. But most of all, it runs deep; deeper than the oceans, deeper than the universe itself. But you know what is truly beautiful, regardless of the masochism?
Without this pain-- this searing, heart-shattering pain I've never experienced before-- I would have never felt the eladed bliss I have for the past year. It's a reminder of the happiest days of my life. It is a way to prove how much you meant to me, and how you changed my life in so many ways. Without this pain, there would have been nothing to be happy for, and nothing worth the love I gave and recieved.
It'll just take a while for me to convince myself.
For now, I'm going to appreciate the ones who tried their hardest to make my birthday special. I'm extremely grateful, I really am. For Tyree, Trevor, Ben, Scott, and my parents. I love you guys a lot. And I also want to thank Savannah and Olivia for the cards I just got in my email. They made me smile. ^.^ I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend my birthday, considering all else. Corpse Bride + Quiznos = love.
So... I feel open now. *sigh* |
|
|
| A full day's ramble. |
[Sep. 8th, 2005|06:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
My first day of school started out grand and that enthusiasm slowly deteriorated until the day turned to torture. Today was the exact opposite. I am going to talk about today, and today only.
FIRST PERIOD-- Algebra 2
We reviewed fractions. u.u;; *sigh* This class was fairly boring, because it was 7:15 when it started, we went over stuff I already knew, and I really don't like Mr. Goodall. But what I've come to understand from this class is exactly what I was hoping for. THIS was my reason for doing geometry over the summer. Had I stayed at where I was going I would have kept occupying my role as 'advanced in an intermediate class' whereas know I'm 'intermediate in an advanced class.' It makes me happy, but I was still kind of testy this morning because I didn't expect anything good to come of today.
SECOND PERIOD-- Biology
What we learned today, and I quote from the teacher, "So, basically, 'perfect' plants can have sex with themselves." *shakes head* I reeeally don't think I have anything else to say about this period, aside from the fact that Amanda asked if I was okay again. Which people tend to do. Because I am depressed-looking person. Dangit.
10-MINUTE BREAK
I ran into Alex on the way to the cafeteria and we spent it sitting at a table with some other seniors. Because I know none of you are aware of this, Alex and I have been tense for the past couple of days around each other. (INSIGHT! *gasp* Hence the monotony of the last entry.) Three days ago, something was brought to my attention and I needed to settle the matter with him, but because he's been busy with work, I only had time to mention it. We hadn't spoken much at all since then, and I noticed he'd been acting strangely. Still, I refrained from bringing it to his attention again, because it's a personal matter and we were not in the proper environment to talk of such things. And so when the bell rang we departed once more, me feeling slightly miffed that the tension had not seized. (Libra tendencies... *sigh*)
THIRD PERIOD-- World Cultures
We traced maps. Four maps, actually. Of continents and islands, and my hand started twitching afterwards. And that's about it. *shrug* I dun like geography, but... meh.
FOURTH PERIOD-- English
I bet by now you're wondering where I'm going with this, eh? Well, English is where things started getting interesting. I became awkwardly social, and the fact that I was still kinda tweaked didn't stop my quiet outbursts during class. Near the last half of class we were all prompted to do an activity-- a 'compulsive writing relay,' if you will. We were to divide into groups and our teacher set a piece of paper on the end of each row. On it, began a story that each of us had to contribute a few sentences to, one at a time, until the story was complete. Whoever finished first would win. In the least, I reluctant. My group's story ended up pretty lame, and I'm sure saying that wouldn't offend them.
Actually, when Mrs. Staudinger finished reading ours annonamously to the class, I retorted when the class said nothing, "Dude! No one exploded!" and Jordan burst out laughing on the other side of the room. I had wanted someone to finish the story with everyone exploding, you see. But no one would listen to MY idea. -_-;
Well, there was a bit of time at the end of class, and our lovely teacher thought it would be funny if she made us do it AGAIN. Irritable but feeling creatively cynical, I set to my task, but this time we got to start the story all on our own... And it went something like this:
"*girlish blue handwriting* I was walking around the forest when Tinkerbell showed up and she threw pixie dust on me. All of a sudden I was flying! So I went to a magical Neverland and met Peter Pan, and he asked where Winnie the Pooh was. *smaller, scribbled guy's handwriting* I told him that Pooh had his leg severed off. Then Peter Pan told me that if I clicked my heels together 10 times *my own pointy handwriting* my medication would appear and I would be rid of all of this horrible madness. I abliged quickly, drawing my feet close together behind me..."
And I'm not entirely sure what happened after that, because I stopped writing and the rest of my group finished the story. I guess I'll see when Mrs. Staudinger reads them aloud tomorrow. *sniggers* The rest of the class was amusing because I was having fun with being sarcastic, and other people were laughing at my satirical humor. Huh, go figure. No wonder people think I'm manic depressive.
FIFTH PERIOD-- Lunch/CIM, OMG
Trevor was sick today, and therefore Alex did not have a ride off campus. So he stole me away from Ben, I grabbed an apple to eat, and we sat in the grass outside an entrance to the school, watching some boys play hackysack. It was a moment or two until Alex spoke as I sank my teeth into a chunk of apple.
Alex: So... I have to, er, talk to you about.. problems.
Me: ...o.o? *surprised* Huh?
Alex: We never really talked about what happened the other day.
Me: You were busy.. with school and work.. And I wasn't going to bring it up until we were alone...
Alex: Well, I knew I had to be all confrontational and 'we have to talk about feelings.' -.-;; *is the female in the relationship*
Me: I didn't want to start a fight with you, so...
In short, we resolved things. But then the conversation turned again:
Alex: ...But something else's bothering you.
Me: o///o;; *taken by surprise again* ...How do you know?
Alex: I can tell. You've smelled upset for days.
Me: But... eh... *sighs reluctantly* ...Why do you know me so well?
Alex: Teeell me what's wrong.
Me: *sighs again* You've layed off the PDA quite a bit, haven't you? (Last year he actually kissed me at school.)
Alex: Yeah... but you know what? They don't deserve to see what we have. It's OUR thing. It's special. They're not worthy.
And suddenly everything was a whole 'nother shade of better. I HAVE been kind of upset over the past couple of days, but I've strived to hide it for all I'm worth. But after talking to Alex during this lunch period, and having HIM confront me, I realized how much he DOES care. I felt like he was neglecting affection with me because we were fighting (sort of...), but things have changed. And they keep changing. But the more things change, the more I see that no matter what happens around us, Alex cares about me. And I won't mention the conflict because it's personal and just between the two of us. This was the turning point in my day, not to mention my week...
SIXTH PERIOD-- French
Yes, I'm taking French. u.u Anywho, guess what? I'm suddenly HAPPY in this class because of recent events! =D And ya know what else? Alex and I have this class together. ^^ I gloated when I first found out I had this class, because he told me I wouldn't be able to get in. Heh. Heh heh. I still feel accomplished. ^-^ Today, we learned some colors in French, and we got to pick out our French names. O.o I thought it was weird, but whatever. So now Mrs. Seaman is going to call me Amie. (pronounced "Ah-me") She recommended it, 'cuz it resembles Amanda by sound and meaning. So I was all, "Okie, sure, whatever." ^.^ Alex's name is entirely French though, so he didn't need to change it. Anywho, at the end of class, she called us all by our new names, told us to stand up, and greet the class in French. (Preffered choices: 'Bonjour,' 'salut,' 'ca va'... Scott personally chose 'Zut!'...)
Mrs. Seaman: Okay... Amie!
Me: ...*doin' her own thing*... *realizes that's her*... O_O! *stands up hurredly* Um, y-yeah... *turns red-- is terrible in public* B-bonjoou! *sits down, realizes she did the accent wrong, turns redder*... u///u...
Alex: *smiles and shakes his head beside her*
Mrs. Seaman: Good. 'Bonjou' actually means friend in French.
Me: ...*by now all of the blood has risen to her cheeks*... yeah...
Yeah, that was pretty embarrassing. I'm so sick of standing up in front of class, so I panicked. Gah. -.-; It shouldn't have been that HARD.
But I've taken up way too much room for today, so... I'm done. ^^;; My prediction of December was sooo wrong. |
|
|
| Summer sun turns to dusk. |
[Sep. 6th, 2005|02:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | apathetic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Eve 6-- On The Roof Again | ] |
I figured it was appropriate to update before I start school again tomorrow. To be brief, I'll list the main subjects of this summer:
-- I managed to scrape a 94% A out of both of my Geometry Summer School classes.
-- I went on my first date, that of which made me discover that I really do have acid reflux disease. (long story)
-- I encountered my first car accident. (minor, but still)
-- My town had a major forest fire. (we're in the 'extreme' fire danger zone)
-- I successfully matchmaked my best friend with my boyfriend's best friend. (Tyree + Trevor = INGENIOUS.)
And finally...
-- MY MOM TOLD ME I WASN'T YOUNG!!
That's about all of it. Some of the tiny details are irrelevant, and some of them are important but too personal to mention here. However, I will tell you this: I'm stronger because of things that have happened this summer, and perhaps a bit changed on my views of commitment and human value. Right now I'm just feeling too distant to explain things, but I did plan on updating before summer vacation ended. So here you are. Oh, and about the 'young' comment made above, it also holds a bit of a long story. See, I've always been the youngest in my family, the youngest in my class, too young to do this, etc. It meant more to me than words could express that Mom told me I wasn't young anymore.
Of course, I realize that I AM young, in retrospect. I'm still just a teenager. I haven't experienced what I need to in order for me to be considered OLD. But... that's all I needed. Someone to tell me, for once in my life, that I'm not young. It made me feel less unsuperior to the people I spend most of my time with.
So anyway, that's all I've got to say. I sound somewhat out-of-character, but... meh. I'm glad summer's over but I'm not exactly jumping for joy that school's starting again. Oh well. Algebra 2, here I come.
I predict the next time I update it will be sometime around December. *spooky hand wave* |
|
|
| Bow before the class of 2008, you MONKEYS. |
[Jun. 9th, 2005|09:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | nostalgic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Korn-- Y'all Want a Single | ] |
SCHOOL IS OVER! SCHOOL IS OVEEEERR!! GOOD-BYE, TIGHT SCHEDULE OF HOMEWORK AND FINALS! FAREWELL, 30-MINUTE LUNCH PERIODS WHERE YOU TAUNT THE FRESHMAN WITH OFF-CAMPUS LUNCH! And THANK-GOD-IT'S-OVER, HIGH SCHOOL SENIORITY AND FRESHMEN STEREOTYPES!!
Wow... I just realized...
I'm a fooking sophomore. o_o; Neato. Anyway...
Sorry for the caps. Couldn't help it. But I beat myself down, 'cuz I needed to update. I'll give you today's stuff, at least.
Well, every period was 10 minutes long for check-out, minus second period for finals. Needless to say, that was the period I worked in the cafeteria, so my friend Amber and I just walked around eating all the extra food. x3 It was great. My major periods were fifth and sixth, though, because of farewells. In science I said good-bye to Michelle, Sean, and Jesse for the summer. But sixth period was sad... See, my second closest friend, Lisa, who's a sophomore, is dropping out of school because she's getting married and having a kid this summer... I went to her birthday a couple of weeks ago, and since I figured out that she was pregnant (which has been quite a while, actually..), I'd been acting differently towards her, and she had just started realizing it. While everybody else was giving her a hard time about school, engagement, and sex, I basically just offered her support. She was really amazed at how much I knew. As she put it at the party (after truth or dare, mind you), "...*staaare* You... scare me. You know things. You should seriously become a psychologist." XD And that's not paraphrased.
So anywho, after that weekend she decided that I was her sister. I don't know WHY I'm wanted so badly as a sister (How many non-biological sisters do I have now? Four?), but we became really close. In the least, I was distraught... But I guess I'm kinda used to it...
After sixth period, and waiting in CIM class for an hour to check out, I cleaned out my locker, got my signatures, and headed to the cafeteria to see Alex and Ben (my best friend here). I was pretty devastated when I remembered that Ben was most likely going to move this summer. I won't get into it, but I got really quiet after he told me that I should just get more friends. Nobody understands that I can't open up to others easily, so I went home irritated and kind of hurt. I was hyper most of the day to cover up the fact that I would miss a lot of these people.
Anyway, Alex went home with me at noon... We spent the entire day at my house, and when he went home at nine, I burned his Korn CD for myself and now I'm here. I'm going to Tyree's house tomorrow for the weekend, so that should be neat...
So today had its ups and downs. *shrug* I'm really glad that Alex came over today. It cheered me up mucho. On a random note, I'm turning 15 in three and a half months... Huh. It's been so long since I've updated with much of anything.
But I've taken up enough space for tonight... So thank you guys for sticking around, and good-night.
...@-@ Respect your eldeeeers... *spooky stare* |
|
|
| La de da. u.u |
[Apr. 20th, 2005|05:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Tell me more, tell me more, LIKE DOES HE HAVE A CAR | ] |
Yeah, sorry about that LAST ENTRY. Some freak named Chibi decided to hack my journal. But she's awesome though. Reaaaaaally awesome. So awesome I gave her my thaaaat's enough of that. But yeah. Of course I'm not Chibi now again. Why would I update again? That's crazy! It's a very Chibi-ish kind of thing to pull off, but hey! I'm not Chibi!
La de daaaaaaa!!
The Chibbers is NOT I!!!
-Not Chibi, duh, it's Azka |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
6.5
7.5
6.3
5
0.8